Reviews of restaurants, hotels, and shops can be found on Google (including Google Maps, where the above review for the Agate Motel was found), Yelp, Amazon, NextDoor.com and many other sites. These sites show contextualized written compliment language that can serve as models for learners. Learners should note that non-anonymous and semi-anonymous reviewers (such as those found on AirbNb, Etsy, eBay, and Depop) may use more complimentary language, and downplay minor negative experiences, in order to maintain their own online reputations. Non-anonymous reviews decrease the amount of power reviewers have, since receivers of the reviews (sellers or business owners/managers) may retaliate in response to negative feedback (by leaving negative feedback of their own!).
Such review sites are prime examples of how compliments tend to be exaggerated in American English. The example pictured above makes use of the common "I/we love + noun" syntactical construction identified by Herbert (1986): "My family loves this motel!" The phrase "...this is the place to be!" the use of the emphasizing adjective "super" seen in "super friendly," and the liberal use of exclamation points, are all typical of positive reviews in American English.
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Any podcast hosted by American English speakers could be a place where one might hear compliments used "in the wild." Language learners can listen on Apple, Stitcher, Audible, or wherever they typically access podcasts. Two podcasts that discuss the bright side of life-- and where you will be more likely to hear compliment language in American English-- are Happier with Gretchen Rubin and Wonderful! with Rachel and Griffin McElroy. Happier is a podcast about how to be happier, more creative, and more productive: the hosts share life hacks (various tips that they recommend to improve listeners' lives), product recommendations, and enthusiasm for their favorite books, TV shows, and so forth. At the time of this blog publication, the most recent episode is titled, "The Joy of Being a Minor Expert, Having Two Dogs, and Counting Your Steps!" The language used in Happier is appropriate for all maturity levels. The hosts of Wonderful! describe their podcast as being "...for joyful and enthusiastic people that like hearing about the passions, big and small, of other people," Topics vary widely; the most recent episode (at the time of this blog publication) is subtitled, "Rachel's favorite urban oasis! Griffin's favorite partially-illustrated stories!" Wonderful! sometimes uses adult language, so it is not recommended for young learners.
While investigating the compliment language used by the hosts and building their own lexica, language learners should also make comparisons with languages and cultures they know. They might also consider broader cultural questions like: Are the podcasts discussed above examples of a helpful brand of American optimism? Or do they reflect a culture rife with toxic positivity? Learners who want to explore this even further might read Derek Thompson's piece for The Atlantic, The Dark Side of American Optimism (And the Bright Side of Rising Pessimism About the American Dream).
TikTok is an excellent resource for exploring written and spoken American English compliment culture in digital spaces-- especially for young adult and teen language learners. Like case studies, individual TikTok posts won't always contain generalizable cultural or pragmatic information, but very often, trends can be seen and general inferences about American English culture can be made-- especially when viewing videos in the aggregate. Try exploring the hashtag #compliment-- or simply explore the site, and see what you find.
Flattering a parent...
Take the video above, for example: Here we see a young woman (@amyywoahh) in a shop acting as herself and also playing the role of her mother. The video shows Amy giving many compliments to her "mother" which amount to disingenuous flattery, used in hopes her mother will be in such a good mood, the mother will buy her gifts. Issues of power, closeness, and imposition underlie the flattery in the video. First, parents, by default, have power over their children. Furthermore, many (though not all) parents and children have a close personal relationship. The power dynamic makes it tricky for a child to request gifts from a parent without imposing. At the same time, the child may rely on the parent for financial support, and if the relationship is close, the child may exploit that closeness to get what they want by complimenting the parent. The complimenting you see in the video is insincere, but is done good-naturedly, and with humor.
The video is also a good model for learners who want to practice intonation while complimenting, and learn about emphasis connectors (e.g., "so" and "really" seen in the video) which can be used to strengthen compliments. Gendered Compliments on Social Media Part 1: Young Women to Young Women
The TikTok above shows a list of compliments that a traditionally-feminine-presenting young woman suggests giving to other "girls" (we can infer that by "girls," she means young women, not children, due to the language in her list). It's an excellent example of how the language used on social media, in text messages, and in other informal digital spaces, can be vastly different from the language that learners are taught in classrooms. The first compliment, "face tutorial???" suggests that the receiver of the compliment is so beautiful that the person speaking would like instruction on how to look like her. To correctly interpret this compliment, a learner would need existing schema for American English "make-up tutorial culture," a longtime YouTube trend where people (mostly female-identifying, though there are plenty of exceptions) make videos showing other make-up wearers new ways to apply cosmetics. "Teach me" is similar, as it means, "teach me to be just like you."
The spelling error in the 6th compliment of the first column (where the possessive "your" is written, instead of the contraction "you're,") is pervasive in online spaces, even among expert speakers. The abbreviation "mf" is a common acronym representing solidarity-building profanity; the acronym is used, rather than the spelled-out word, for brevity-- but it also softens and deflects the vulgarity. Other compliments of note: "wowowow" is shorthand for "Wow, wow, wow!" to indicate the person giving the compliment is in awe of the receiver. The repitition of the word "wow" adds emphasis to the compliment. "Every feature is literally in perfect proportion" shows how the word "literally" is no longer used...well, literally! At least not in American English. The word is used to add emphasis to whatever is being said, and in the case of the compliment depicted here, it acts as a synonym for "truly." "Holy moly" is an oath-like interjection, used to show surprise, that is commonly used as a compliment. It is synonymous with "wow." Gendered Compliments on Social Media Part 2: Young Men to Young Men
A counterpoint to the "women complimenting women" video, we see @joshwoshyy using the #spreadkindness hashtag to assert that "guys" (masculine people) should compliment other guys. Learners might compare this video to the two above. What is different about the words used to give compliments? What is different about the intonation? In American English, the word "bro" (short for "brother,") is used sometimes by men-- particularly young men-- as a solidarity-building device. The inclusion of profanity, for instance, after saying the words "I love that" is used to give a masculine edge to language that might otherwise feel emasculating for the speaker.
Compliment Deflection
Have you ever been complimented, and before you can reply, someone you have a close relationship with answers for you? This could be a best friend, as depicted in the video, or a family member. The idea is that when you have a close personal relationship with someone, they may feel entitled to speak on your behalf.
In the TikTok above, @outtpig plays the role of a person who likes to stop their best friend from receiving compliments. If someone compliments your shoes, for example, this "best friend" would deflect the compliment by telling everyone they are not real Nike shoes-- they are "knock-offs," or imitation Nike shoes that cost very little. How could learners of American English use this video? They can think about the perception that Americans' tendency is to always accept and applaud compliments. Does this video challenge that perception? Does it make a difference that the person deflecting the compliment is the "best friend" of the receiver-- and not the receiver themselves? Why do you think the hashtags #toxic #drama and #bff were included in the caption? Compliment Killers: "For A," "For Being," and "Actually."
The TikTok video by @ilyaselyn is presented as a joke, but is meant to show the pain the receiver of a "compliment" might feel when the compliment co-occurs with mitigating terms like "for a" as noted in the video's caption. The woman in this video is transgender and identifies as a woman. When people tell her "you're beautiful for a transgirl" instead of just saying "you're beautiful," she feels hurt because the inclusion of "for a" suggests that her trans identity renders her incapable of attaining the same levels of beauty as non-trans women.
Mitigation of compliments using language such as "for a" and "for being" may be directed at anyone in American English-- not just at people with transgender identities. For example, when I was an undergraduate and employed part time at a coffee shop, I had a conversation with a customer who told me, "You're pretty smart for being a coffee shop worker." The implication was that people who work at coffee shops generally have low-intelligence, and this was therefore not a compliment at all, despite the vocabulary used ("pretty smart"). Then again, there are times when such language is useful to indicate that what were initially low expectations have been upended. Example: if you purchased a processed frozen meal ("microwave dinner"), you probably would not expect it to taste like it was from an expensive restaurant. You might say, "Wow! This is delicious...for a frozen meal!" Actually...
Did you know the word "actually" is considered a compliment mitigator in American English as well? OK-- not everyone thinks so (I personally do not find the word offensive when it co-occurs with compliments). Most people I've asked about this, however, do NOT like when the word "actually" is inserted into a compliment. As shown in the video, language like, "You're actually funny," can signal that the speaker was surprised that the receiver was funny.
I first learned that some American English speakers take offense to the "actually + compliment" construction when I was interning with an expert world language teacher. When class ended, a student waved to the teacher as she left the room, and said "Wow, I actually learned something today!" The teacher was furious, as she interpreted the comment to mean that the student had never learned anything from her before. Oh my god, thank you!
Have you heard American English speakers preface compliments with the words, "Oh my god"? Utterances like "Oh my god, I LOVE your shoes!" and "Oh my god, this is the best coffee ever!" are common, but "Oh my god" is also used (mainly by women or female-identifying people) to preface the receipt of a compliment. The "Oh my god" implies that the receiver of the compliment is surprised by the compliment, and is thus a way to indicate humility just before receiving the compliment with a "thank you." Language learners might try adding "Oh my god" before their thank yous-- or before their compliments!-- in English, to sound more natural.
The first cartoon from Buzzfeed's Crystal Ro (above) pokes fun at the American tendency to be hyperbolic when complimenting and praising. Words like hilarious, awesome, amazing, best greatest, and other superlatives are used to describe people, places, and things that are often only slightly above average-- or at least "not terrible." Identifying and understanding this norm can help language learners build solidarity in their communities. If everyone else at the business lunch says the pizza was "great" or "awesome," but the language learner says "it was OK, but maybe a little too salty," they may be perceived as having an unusually negative attitude. Language learners always have choices-- e.g., perhaps you wouldn't mind if your coworkers thought of you as having a negative outlook-- perhaps you self-dentify as a realist! But learners should understand the rules (cultural and pragmatic norms) before they go about breaking them. Ro's cartoon about the word interesting (below) illustrates, once again, that words that seem like they are compliments should not always be taken at face value. Language learners should pay attention to delivery, including intonation, context, and facial expressions, when determining whether an American English speaker really does find a thing interesting. Did you just tell someone the details of a baseball game you attended, when you know they hate sports? Don't be surprised if they say "That's interesting," and quickly change the subject. Yerin Kim's listicle in Seventeen Magazine, How to Flirt Like a Pro, gives suggestions for complimenting and flattering romantic interests using emoji. The fire and chili pepper emoji are used to indicate that the receiver is good looking, while the drooling face implies that the receiver of the message is as wonderful as a meal that would make one salivate.
These emoji are used by digitally literate American English speakers of all ages-- not just teens and twenty-somethings. What's important for learners to note is that the emoji, like any overtly flirtatious or romantic language, are expected to be used judiciously. If such emoji were sent to someone who had already rejected the sender's advances, the emoji would impose upon the receiver, since the receiver might feel pressure to respond. If the sender and receiver were already in a close relationship, or had a history of consensual flirting and attraction in digital or in-person spaces (a form of casual closeness), it would not be surprising to see the emoji depicted above. The 🥵 (sweating red face) emoji is another used by American English speakers to indicate romantic interest. Furthermore, many language learners are surprised to find out that the peach and eggplant emoji should not be taken at face value when texting in American English, since they have overtly sexual meanings. While it can be uncomfortable for teachers to discuss these issues, it's important to ensure that language learners have the age-appropriate digital literacies they need to avoid embarassment (e.g., from communicating unintended meanings) in target-language communities. Katja Presnal, a blogger from Finland who moved to the U.S., talks about the differences between Finnish and American compliment cultures. She describes how she experienced culture shock when she discovered that complimenting is a typical feature of small talk in the U.S., and the way she felt when her fiancé's family complimented her skin and hair as part of small talk. In Finland, she explains, custom dictates that you would ask a young woman her opinion about politics or controversial issues when meeting her for the first time. What is particularly interesting about Presnal's account is that she suggests she felt devalued by small talk culture in the U.S.-- at least before she understood that very superficial topics are expected. As Presnal learned, the American custom is to only discuss politics, religion, money, and controversial issues in +solidarity relationships. Language learners may choose to discuss such topics with people they aren't close to, but if they do, they should know they are deviating from social norms.
This video-- my favorite resource in this collection, as I think it is terribly funny!-- shows American TikTok user @adeibb joking about the frustration he experienced while complimenting the shirt of a British English speaker. He describes how the British person would not accept the compliment (note: Americans would typically say "thank you," perhaps tell the store where they bought the shirt, and move on). Each time he was complimented, the British person reacted with questions such as "Oh do you?" and "Do you think so?" and "Really?" The Brit was perceived as purposefully eliciting escalating compliments from the American (e.g., the American felt pressure to add more compliments including "I like the color," and "it's a really nice cut"). The American interpreted this as multiple requests for validation, which felt like high imposition heaped upon him from a stranger. He laments that he lost "30 minutes of life" through this exchange, when he was just trying to be nice to a stranger.
This video prompts students to think critically about how compliment cultures might vary between English speaking communities. It should also prompt them to consider what the level of imposition might be when compliments are extended or received. How would you react if a stranger complimented your shirt? Why? Remember what happened when I complimented V's bangles (see the introduction on the home page of this site)? Courtney Tenz, an American who has spent more than a decade living in Germany, describes her difficulty adjusting to German-speakers' approach to complimenting. She discusses how, in Germany, the absence of criticism is perceived as an implicit compliment, whereas in America, people may grow concerned if they aren't receiving regular compliments and praise. She analyzes the perception that complimenting in American English is superficial and based on flattery, and compares that with the perception that Germans are more truthful when they do give compliments. The resource compels learners of American English to ask themselves: In what ways is complimenting in my country of origin similar or different from complimenting in the U.S.? How do I know?
"You're fit like a little pickle!" sounds funny to an American, but is a common compliment in Russia, according to a video and accompanying article shared by German news outlet Deutsche Welle for World Compliment Day. While not specific to the English language, this resource helps learners compare compliments across cultures. Paired with a Thinking Routine like "See... Think... Wonder..." this resource can help students think more deeply about compliment norms, traditions, and styles in all the languages they know. American English users in the U.S., please don't tell your dates they "walk just like an elephant" (apparently a compliment in Hindi).
In Natalie Cortes's article Catcalling is Not a Compliment, written for The National Organization for Women, the author considers the boundary between catcalls (comments, whistles, or other unwanted attention, typically directed at female-identifying people on public streets) and compliments. The resource explores the issues at play when men, who are typically in +power positions, direct unwanted compliment language at strangers-- typically women and girls who are then imposed upon to respond or react. The resource will help learners distinguish between catcalls and compliments, consider gender as it relates to power and imposition, and recognize that not all "complimentary language" is welcome. Per the image, American English learners should take note: telling a woman you don't know to "smile" (usually followed by some form of "because you're beautiful") could be considered catcall language.
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